A fellow is struggling to find an open parking space in a crowded city. He has an important meeting. A half hours goes by as he is driving around and he is getting very frustrated.
He's not very religious - has given up many of the ways of his folks. But he needs a parking place, please, G*d. He decides to call on G*d.
"Lord, I know I haven't been very reverent or faithful. I don't sit shiva. But," he says aloud as he drives around and around the block, "if you will find me a parking place, I will return to the synagogue."
"Help me and I will be thankful. I will change my ways!"
Just at that moment, he sees a parking place open up!
And he says: "Oh! Wow! Never mind, Lord, I just found a space!"
Cleaning the garage
One Father’s Day past, visiting the home-house, with not much to offer in way of a gift. But, the same as in most any visit, I asked if there was a chore I could help with, and ended up sweeping out the garage.
It was a beautiful day with sunlight streaming in through the open garage door – the dust specks kicked up by my brooming looked like little gold planets in the streams of light -- and my father was there, watching approvingly as I swept up.
All of a sudden he looked at me, smiled, and said: “You know, Jack, you were the answer to our prayers!”
I was taken aback, wow! Then he continued.
“You weren’t what we prayed for, Jack, but you certainly were the answer to our prayers!”
The Punk Rocker
Q: Why did the Punk Rocker cross the street?
A: He was stapled to a chicken.
Two Winos at the Zoo
Two winos are sitting on a park bench in the zoo. Both blotto.
The bench is in front of the lion’s cage.
It is a nice peaceful day, when the male lion rises and suddenly, fully, loudly, mightily he roars!
Upon which, says one wino to the other:
“C’mon, Fred, let’s go. I’ve seen this movie before.”
If your wife's not there
Here - courtesy of Peter B. - is one of those "if a tree falls in the forest" jokes:
Q: If you say something, and your wife's not there, is it still stupid?
[To which my wife answers: "Yes."]
Omar Sharif's Mustache - as told by Dustin Hoffman on Tonight Show
I’m going to try a joke here today. I heard it from an old show biz hand –I won’t update the characters for today’s currency, cause I think these are some great names from our culture that we grew up with.
There is a flea and he is the star of the Flea Circus and he’s been working very hard and he is ready for a vacation. So he goes to a travel agent in New York City.
‘I got a week off, have you any suggestions?”
Travel agent says “What kind of vacation would you like?”
“I’d like to be out in the sun - warmth is good. I need rest,” says the flea.
“Well I have a terrific package. I can give you a week in the south of France in Ringo Starr’s hair.”
Terrific.
He’s back after two days. “What’s wrong?” says the agent.
The flea: “This was no good. Ringo Starr never leaves the room, day night he’s banging on the drums, and all the time he is shaking his head, and I’m holding on for dear life. I got a migraine.”
“Wait,” the agent replies. “I got something better. Someone a bit more elegant. I think we can do Monte Carlo - I can give you a week with Omar Sharif, a classy guy. I give you a week in his mustache.”
Coupla days go by and the flea is back. He’s madder. Why?
The flea says: “Omar Sharif never leaves the casino, he plays bridge all day and all night. I’m in his moustache – he smokes cigars. It’s awful. Terrible. Uck. Please, I just want to be outside in the sun, lying there, taking it in.”
Wait, says the travel agent. “Your in luck. I just got a cancellation,”
“I can give you one week in Cannes. Great sun. In Bridget Bardot’s snatch. Restful.”
The flea goes. Three days later, he’s back. “What is it now?” asks the agent. “I give up - you didn't like that holiday?”
“It started out. It was great. Best holiday I've ever had in my life.” Said the flea. “Fabulous sun. Bridget Bardot - just her laying out in the sun.
She just lies out there in the sun and doesn’t want to be around anyone. She's like a sun goddess, she listens to classical music coming out of a portable radio, she just reads, And her snatch was warm - it was like Nirvana - I said I just want to go on forever.”
The agent says so what are you doing back here?
What am I doing back here? It’s going great, then, pow. after three days. I don’t know how. But I find myself back in Omar Sharif’s mustache.
Joke: My mother would always tell the joke of the two Irishman.
They are always Pat and Mike. They are going to the wake but they get drunk first at the bar.
They then go to the wake to get drunker there.
They get to the house holding the wake and go in. The lights are low, and they mistake the piano in the parlor to be the coffin.
They kneel in front of the piano and start to do the prayers. May be praying for something nice to say about the departed.
And then finally, Mike says, “Too bad, but one thing you can say about him, he sure had a good set of teeth.”
[Afterword: My mother said at the wakes the ladies would wear their best black dresses and sit in the parlor. It might be hard to think of something to say but you could always try something like "My, you have beautiful wallpaper." The men would drink in the kitchen.]
Joke about pederastic priests.
It was like August 25, 2018, Cecelia’s birthday, and she got me to buy a tickets to see Iris DeMente (great songwriter but has a singing voice like Olive Oil).
It was like a dinner club and you had to have dinner and share a table with another random couple. And so I'm not having fun yet. I'm sitting there, we end up seated with a retired Unitarian minister and his wife.
What the hell am I going to say, or talk to this guy about?
C. goes like, to the bathroom or something. And I'm trying to make conversation, and that day we've seen the Travers stakes on TV, and the winner, which I won with, was named Catholic Boy.
I say “You know the Travers stakes ran today and Catholic Boy was the winner.”
And so the Unitarian minister says “Well yeah I suppose those Catholic boys do have to learn how to run fast."
I walked into it, and thought it pretty funny.
Minister goes to Milwaukee
Black Southern minister goes up to Milwaukee for the big convention. Well, he looks a lot like James Brown.
He walks in - the bellboy sees him. Bellboy says:
“James Brown. James Brown. I love your music. I love your sound!”
Minister is mad. Says: “I do not believe in that type of music - that is the devil's music. No. I will thank you not to call me James Brown. I'm a minister of the Lord.”
OK OK man, sorry I get it, says the bellboy.
Minister goes to the check in counter, and the man there says the same thing!
“James Brown. James Brown. I love your music. I love your sound.”
“Look” - now he's getting mad. “Look at I am a Minister of the Lord. I do not believe in that Devils music and I will thank you not to call me James Brown.”
OK, yes sorry Sir. – says the desk clerk - Here's the key. Bell boy go takes up to his suite. Puts his bags down and leaves – without a tip.
Minister walks in the bedroom. He looks and in the bed there's a pretty girl. In a pink negligee. Low cut. She's laying there alluringly and she purrs and says softly and sexily:
“James Brown. James Brown. I love your music. I love you sound…”
The Minster. Clicks his heels. Looks at her and shouts.
“Huhhhhhhhh!"
"I feel good! I knew that I would!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joke: My mother would always tell the joke of the two Irishman.
They are always Pat and Mike. They are going to the wake but they get drunk first at the bar.
They then go to the wake to get drunker there.
They get to the house holding the wake and go in. The lights are low, and they mistake the piano in the parlor to be the coffin.
They kneel in front of the piano and start to do the prayers. May be praying for something nice to say about the departed. Still looking at the piano they thinks the coffin.
And then finally, Mike says, “Too bad, but one thing you can say about him, he sure had a good set of teeth.”
****************************
My mother said at the wakes the ladies would wear their best black dresses and sit in the parlor. It might be hard to think of something to say but you could always try something like "My, you have beautiful wallpaper." The men would drink in the kitchen.
--
to come.. Are you game? A long line of dead men.
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